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  • KDW Ferrell

Putty Peeps Diaries - If Betsy Can Do It So Can I

If Betsy, as in Betsy DeVos, the celebrated, bumbling Secretary of Education, can rescind memos that give guidance about how schools implement and follow laws designed to protect the rights of disabled students because they confused her, then I think I am entitled to the same sweeping changes.

I suppose it is best to start with a little backstory dump to help set the stage. In January Betsy Wetsy stumbled her way into a confirmation even though she did not know what the Disabilities Education Act (DEA) was or have any clue about the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). Betsy, the product of religious upbringing, thought the matter of DEA and IDEA issues were best left to the states to decide. Apparently, in between lectures on abstinence and the book of John Betsy missed the class about federal laws and all that other governmenty type stuff. Pence came to her rescue with a tie-breaking vote in the Senate, the first Cabinet appointee to require the vice president's intervention.

Good thing Mike stood up for Betsy and her moral mandate because she has been systematically gutting the federal protections for students, like Title IX rules about college campus sexual assault, after all, good girls don't get in those kinds of situations and boys will be boys and can't be blamed for what happens so it is best to cut back on any protection or rules around sexual assault. Betsy considers protections like these, and procedural safeguards and due process procedures for children with disabilities to be "outdated, unnecessary, or ineffective."  Not to be outdone by her many critics, some of whom are probably regretting their cabinet confirmation vote, Betsy said, "there are no policy implications to these rescissions."

So if Betsy Wetsy can do it so can I. Here is my memo outlining the top ten issues ready for a rollback of guidance memos because they are outdated, unnecessary, or ineffective.

1. First and foremost, the CIA must release the Book of Secrets to the public, especially the memo on the Secret Alien Files. I want to believe, the truth is out there and it is time for the CIA, the FBI, the President and the Smoking Man stopped hiding the truth.

2. All student loans must be forgiven after 10 years of continuous payments if you work for anyone other than a Fortune 500 company, any affiliate of Donald Trump, anyone related to Paul Ryan, any company that denies contraceptives to women or any corporation that still believes in the glass ceiling. All student loans for people working in the public sector, such as teachers, public defenders, attorneys working for social justice movements, social workers, or others working to help people should have their student loans forgiven after five years of continuous payments. For those who take a job working for the man, the man with the bad combover and the racist running mate, they should pay double on their student loans.

3. Built-in obsolescence should be a federal crime. If you buy a phone it should last past the next firmware update. If you phone craps out, slow down or magically sucks down your battery like a cow in a tornado then you get a new phone, no questions asked just here is your new phone, sorry we tried to scam you into buying a new phone.

4. Farm subsidies should be for farmers, and ranchers, that actually grow and/or raise food. If you are a conglomerate, a corporation, or anything other than a family farm then you should not get a subsidy. Also if you have food sell it to someone, or take the tax cut and give it to a country that is experiencing famine or starvation. Don't let the cheese rot in a warehouse.

5. Make more downtown areas pedestrian-only zones and add in a few trees.

6. If you say you sell shoes in all sizes, then sell them in all sizes and not just narrow width shoes. Wide width shoes are not the new world's equivalent to leprosy. Those with wide feet just have better footing, especially if they can find shoes that don't make their toes curl.

7. One size does not fit all and it does not fit most. Stop putting that label in clothes and either skip the homogenous robes or make more realistic options for people. This obsession with one size fits all has created a society where preoccupation with appearance borders on body dysmorphia and comes in all ages, all the sexes and gender expressions, and pardon the pun, in all sizes. Seriously, stop the body shaming.

8. Law school, get rid of it completely. Get rid of the LSAT and traditional law schools. These schools have nothing to do with the practice of law and everything to do with why the public hates lawyers. All law school does is create a-holes who know how to argue until you are blue in the face. How does one learn to be an attorney? Bring back the apprentice program. Working as an apprentice to an attorney would produce attorneys and counselors at law who can actually help people without running through their retainer. Shelve the traditional law school that produces lawyers and bottom feeders.

9. Legalize marijuana federally. With this roll back on the law, we could take the tax revenue and pay off the federal debt. States could use the tax revenue generated by sales and double pay for teachers, fund schools, and increase access to education for all children. Okay, Betsy Wetsy might disagree but children do learn in public institutions, especially those that believe in teaching science.

10. Get rid of daylight savings time. Clocks are only right half the year and by the time we figure out how to turn the knob just right on the car stereo to change the time, daylight savings time kicks in and we fall forward or spring backward, or fall backward or spring forward, or we wake up late for Monday morning because we went out late on Saturday, slept through Sunday and forgot to set the damn clocks.

These are only ten things that this little Putty Peep doesn't understand, or wonders about, or thinks are outdated, unnecessary, or ineffective. If Betsy Wetsy can change the Federal law then as a Putty Peep I should be able to change these ten little things as well. After all, Betsy Wetsy changed some stuff because she was confused and didn't understand all of that legal language, federal law blah, blah, blah. I want to change stuff because I think it will make Putty Peep and human lives better.

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