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  • KDW Ferrell

Putty Peeps Diaries - If Only Pence Were a Putty Peep


It is time to reel in the sheets, pull back the curtains on everyone’s bedrooms and pass out the shivs. Get rid of those pesky queers and “hang em all.” The voice of the people has spoken and his word according to Trump, full of righteous indignation is death to anyone who identifies as anything other than straight, white and male. Pence’s god is the one true god and there is no room for any other. Pence's god has given him the mandate to cleanse the earth of all that Pence deems unholy.


Are you scared? You should be because this sounds like another extreme religious sect. Not sure what this little Peep is talking about? Well, put a turban, some Coppertone and some sandals on the Veep and he could slide into Bin Laden’s Place. You know the cave in the mountains where Bin Laden called for his god to rain down fire on the infidels? Remember the zealot who professed that violence was his religion’s right and he alone had the mandate from his god? The prophet who professed no remorse for ordering suicide bombers to kill thousands of people, remember him?


Well Pence, and by extension Trump, are no different, no better and no more ‘right’ than Bin Laden. If there is a difference, it is in their clothes and geographic location. Otherwise, Pence, Trump and Bin Laden are the same wolves in puritan clothing seeking to make the world in their own image. Okay, there is one difference. Pence is one false Manchurian candidate step away from the presidency. What? Yep, one heartbeat, one aneurysm, one gust of wind whipping that comb over into a noose from becoming the President of the United States of America. Pence believes we are the land of the brave, home of the free, bastion of freedom and democracy, give us your tired (but only those without pre-existing conditions), your poor (but not so poor they need assistance), your huddled masses (but not those who rally against the religious right) yearning to breathe free from the tyranny of persecution (but only if they look like us). According to Pence, we are the land of Lincoln where "all men are created equal, except negroes" the country of Jefferson where "Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of Liberty.” Pence relies on the founding principles of George, as in Washington where "the minds of men to seek security and repose in the absolute power of an individual." Pence has read between the lines and determined being a good old-fashioned despot is his ticket now and in 2020. This little Peep just peed I am so scared by that thought.

I am so scared by that thought that I just peed in my tin. Take a breath. I will be back.


Okay, all is well. I used some of the Federalist Papers to clean my tin. I don't think anyone in the White House will be reading them anytime soon.


I know what you are saying. Fake news, sour grapes, false accusations, non-believer, blasphemer, sinner, miscreant, deviant, liar. Forgive us our transgressions as we forgive those who transgress against us, you say but what you mean is I can judge you because I am right, good and religious and you don't get a say because you are gay, black, atheist, liberal and not worth the time to defend. Cast not the first stone, because guns work so much better, or in Pence's case nylon rope.


For those of you questioning the logic of this post stay with me, I promise it will make you say, “holy crap!”

First, let’s break down the larger issues of religion. In the beginning, you have a person who believes in something outside themselves who holds power over their life. Let's call this something the "One". This person tells everyone that the One sent them, and only them, some sort of message. This person writes down the message. Other people copy the message and while copying the message they also interpret, extrapolate and decipher the true meaning of the original message. From there the revised message is delivered to the masses. The masses receive a message that usually includes a set of seemingly arbitrary rules and regulations for how to live a Onely life, who to love, who to hate, when to give tribute, how to serve the One, what to eat and what to wear. The masses then interpret the message and often pick and choose which rules they will live by and divide themselves based upon these decisions. Sometimes these rules are changed even further by people because they don’t make sense or because the people don’t like them or because certain people have big houses of Oneness that can’t be opened for flood victims. The message is changed even further from year to year, from region to region and from translation to translation to the point where it no longer resembles the first burning message. It is the biggest telephone game ever played; the religious purple elephant in the room on Meth with fake eyelashes, domestic violence charges and a predilection for young parishioners, Cadillacs, and extra marital affairs all in the name of the One.


Next, let's break down the mandate that all extreme religions share. First, they all have the mandate to rule. Something from the One that tells them they have the right, no the duty to force their views on everyone else in the known Universe. This little Peep finds it ironic that folks like Pence take on this nomenclature. The Mandate of heaven, according to Dictionary.com is "actually apoliticaltheoryofancientChinainwhichthose in power were given the righttorulefromadivinesource." Anyone think Pence and his right-wing white men tribe of zealot and bigots knew they were imitating those pesky Chinese?


Okay, after the mandate comes the culling of the herd. As any good rancher knows you must remove the sick, the deformed, the inferior, the deviant so the rest of the herd is strengthened and preserved. Here is where the curtains of the bedrooms are pulled back and freedom flits away like leaves on a crisp fall wind. Okay, not everyone's bedroom curtains are opened. Oh no, we wouldn't want to shed any light on Cardinal Above the Law, or Bedside Baptist, or Preacher of Creature Comfort, oh no that is not part of the Mandate. No those are mere indiscretions meant to test the men of faith, put the women in their place and teach the congregation the lesson of humility in the face of the press. That is why their bedroom windows stay dark and their churches stay closed, except for one day a week when hearts and pocketbooks are open to the message of the mandate.


Once the undesirables, unfortunates, unseemly and unholy are removed the shivs are unsheathed and the purge begins. The purge begins by denying coverage to anyone with a pre-existing condition, which is everyone on the planet, and decrees the act of caring for the indigent a selfish ploy by the left to drain the bank accounts of all those who are righteous. The purge rolls over women's bodies telling them they do not have the right to choose, do not have the right to say no, and are at fault if they are raising a child alone and should have kept their legs together holding an aspirin and praying it didn't melt. The purge continues allowing businesses to cut healthcare coverage for contraceptives for women but keep healthcare coverage for men and their vasectomies and Viagra. The purge forges on with a sense of entitlement and ends with a gleeful pussy grabbing POTUS. The purge ramps up with the "N" word and ends with a car ramming into a group of people peacefully protesting a white supremacist rally in killing one person and injuring 19. The purge seeks vengeance in the hate-filled word "faggot" and ends with the killing of an 8-year-old by his stepfather and mother because they thought he might be gay. The purge starts with the rule of law denying the freedom of speech and ends by the denial of the freedom to be different.

This, my friends, is the lesson of Pence and his merry band of zealots. He preaches the same intolerance, hatred, and bigotry as the extremists who forever changed the world in the name of their One. Since the dawn of time, there has been murder in the name of someone's One. Pagans killing Christians, Muslims killing Pagans, Crusaders killing Jews and Muslims, Christians killing Hindus and Buddhists, Catholics killing Protestants, Puritans killing Catholics, Muslims, Hindus, and Sikhs killing one another, Israeli Jews and Palestinian Muslims killing each other, and let's not forget ritual killings, mass suicides and honor killings all in the name of the One.


What if for just one day everyone in the world took 24 hours and acted out of love for humanity as a whole and not out of hatred for a few? What would happen if for just 24 hours the Arab Spring was halted, the Religious Right was paused and the secular societies called a cease and desist? Would the earth shake? Would the sky darken and rain down frogs? Would the natural laws of gravity and reason prevail and for a short time no one would suffer at the hands of another?


In Putty Peep land the natural laws of rights and values are inherent by virtue of just being a Putty Peep and are universally cognizable to every Peep. The idea is that every Putty Peep, using reason can analyze both social and personal Peep nature and can then deduce binding rules of moral behavior. The law of nature, or moral behavior, of acceptance regardless of color, creed, national origin, sexual orientation, economic status or glow in the dark status, determined by nature, is universal. In other words, Putty Peeps are one, they don't need to look for the One to tell them how to live, or who to love or what to care about. They live for and with one another, they love everyone and they care about everything and worry about nothing. That is the life of a Putty Peep.

If only Pence were a Putty Peep. Of course, if he were a Putty Peep he would have never been the Veep.

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