Are you tired of fake news? Not sure where to turn to get all the news that is fit to print and the rest that fits in 140 characters? Are you ready for the real story?
Then your answer is clear. Our State of the Union Putty Peep Press is here. Backed by 45, endorsed by the 9, and hailed by left, right and in-between as the solution to your news problems. The problem with the current news outlets, CNN, NPR, Breitbart News Network, Fox and Friends, New York Post, New York Observer, Newsmax, Forbes, Wall St. Journal, New York Times, National Review, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, NBC, BBC, and PBS, just to name a few is they are biased. Let's face it, folks, no matter which side of the aisle you stand you believe your news is true and the other sides news is a load of crap.
Our news agency is different. We are not beholden to the usual suspects because quite frankly, we don't have arms. We also don't have our hands out seeking kickbacks, or palm greasing, or handshake deals. How can we make such a bold statement? Easy, we don't have hands!
We also don't have backs to slap, asses to kiss, or butts to grab. We only have eyes, eyes that see the truth. We see beyond the rhetoric of the day, we see in between the 140 characters and we know what is really going on in the halls of the government. We don't listen to rumors, or gossip or innuendo. Why? Come on say it with me, because we don't have ears.
We are the best Peeps to take the state-run media card, park our tins in the front row, and get down to business. No fake news here, no way no how. You want to know what really happened with Russia and the campaign? Easy see our upcoming article Red Dawn in Morning, Sailor Take Warning. You want to know about the state of healthcare? Catch up on all things health related in our weekly column titled Your Pre-Existing Condition Just Rode Away in Your Doctor's Porche. Worried about interest rates? We have the answers in our upcoming expose: Why The Feds Should Turn Over Interest Rates to the Girl Scouts.
We have the bull by the horns and the bear by the balls and can cover all things on the stock floor in our financial column, Horned Balls, Racquet Balls, and Bush's Baked Beans. Our in-depth coverage of money, from the perspective of never having any money, brings a new twist on the stock market game and the 1%. Because we travel in our tins we can camp out for days waiting to get the story. No longer do you have to worry about someone pulling out too soon. We are in there for the long haul and we won't leave until we have the story we want to print.
We have covered all the bases, even in sports. Okay, we don't cover soccer but we cover real sports like curling. The pressure to get a good soopis difficult to convey in print but we are up to the challenge. We also provide our own poll for college sports. The AP Top 25 is fixed so we devised our own ranking system. Win-loss records are antiquated and don't take into account the backbone of a school, the high stepping drum majors, and drum majorettes. Finally, a sport where men and women compete on an even playing field. Take that Bobby Riggs! Our current poll has the University of Oklahoma at number 1 in the country because of the awesome flexibility, and high steps of their first female drum major or drum majorette depending on who you talk to. Nevertheless, she kills it on the field.
Finally, State of the Union Putty Peep Press does not accept advertisements, no need to help support the cause of a state-run media. However, right now the reporters are hard at work seeking information to claim the 10 million dollars offered by Larry Flint. After all, Putty Peeps must have a golden parachute.